How…

December 12, 2009

Well,

It’s my oldest sister’s birthday today…

She opened her presents last night… an executive decision, made by the two heads of the familial state, known as parents.

Today, we had her brownies, baked by youngest sister, with candles in it, lit by youngest sister. 

I’m possibly going snowshoeing tomorrow…

My brother was going to go with us, but… his concerned parents, his previously injured knee, his plans for the Marine Corps, and his obedience to his father -along with his dislike for doing anything half-heartedly- prevented this from happening.

So now he’s at a late night party (to which I was not invited) to watch a movie, and I… am left here at his house, to tune an impossible guitar that no one but me ever plays.

I get it to sound “good enough.”

And I think of life…

And:

How highschool flew by…

How so many people I love, were there, and how few of them, it seems, are still around to share life with…

How people move away and become youth pastors,

How people run away as rumors spread of their rebellion,

How, in between dish-washing, a friend’s dreams monotonously near reality, 70 miles North, with another Semester’s finals passed,

How the distance between Colorado and the east coast, and between Colorado and Afghanistan, hardly seem any different. 

How Texas seems like a black hole that pulls certain of my friends into its vast density…

How the ocean of distance between Colorado and Japan seems to shrink and fade as a memory…

How Omaha, and Fort Worth, and Saint Louis, and Chicago, and all the fellowship, and love…  blurr together and all but sink into the depths of Forgotten.

How, heart-twisting silence of voiceless admiration, has turned into amiable friendship…

How Summer camp after Summer camp, seeps through thinning fingers…

How letters yellow… and smudge, under beds, and in drawers, and on tops of shelves…

How trophies and ribbons grab the dust out of the air, to hide… -my only humility is silence.

How material presents live the bitter existence of abandonment…

How ambitious intentions waste away in self-discipline-less-ness.

How a Mexican purse lies wrinkled on a bottom bunk, containing two beautifully small necklaces and one amazingly elegant, hand-beaded bracelet.

How 5 year olds grow up…

How co-laborers in Christ, drift from friendship…

How a pile of bridge planks still sits in my shed…

And how a magnet is melted onto the front of my stove…

How fathers try so hard, but don’t know what to do, and how sons make it even harder…

How sisters giggle and fight all at the same time…

How people change in just a few short years from scared of the world and what they, in it, might do, to fearless and nigh-wreckless in their pursuits…

How birthdays pass, and plans are made, and forgotten…

How adventure arises, and laughter surrounds, and, like a wave, retreats again to the unfathomable sea.

How tears soak pillows for some and shoulders for others…

How hope turns into foolishness, and hearts break that they might learn the art of hope…

How God’s grace is so huge and so ever-close, it’s never to be lost.

How certain songs line up with friends, and times, and places, and memories, and regrets…

How cars get smashed, or crashed, or get their engines blown out, or doors stuck locked…

How second jobs come and go…

How it seems the seat called “Teacher” is warmer than the one labeled, “Student”

How the world’s troubles seem to come and sit on my lap when I’m just  resting on a bench at the mall, like Santa Claus.

How much beards happen, and shaving doesn’t…

How many hats I’ve had… blue, and cowboy styles…

How loose blue jeans and grey T’s have always made me smile…

How “best friends” meant that’s who you called when you wanted to do ANYTHING…

How what seems to be 4-6 inches of dirt above the tunnel is actually more like a foot and a half…

How backyards were bigger than continents…

How trees were roads into the windy sky…

How we built a few hotels along the route…

How hoses weren’t toys to spray moving cars with…

How ropes burn arms, and leave scars…

How grandpa’s gave cool gifts…

How far-fetched tales from a young boy’s brain were so ridiculously bizarre… and yet, so adamantly stood-by.

How that post-highschool “freedom” a dad so wisely mentioned when his boy was 17, was naievly, yet prayerfully… and dutifully… traded for a house and jobs and classes and volunteering…

How “somewhere else” always calls, and “Right here” always falls around me like a cage…

How I can slip, and receive, letters through these bars… Bars wrought of an alloy: scruples, convictions, expectations, short-comings…

How sometimes I wish I could call the adventure of “somewhere else” -whistle for it, like a dog- and it would come running and join me in my cage…

How it’s too big a dog, and wouldn’t be much fun inside such a cage…

How my true freedom is in Christ, and Christ is infinite, so whether my body -my life- moves and lives and breathes inside the confines of this cage, or whether it is “free”, my soul and my will, are boundless in their space to love back, God.

How God is the very strength required to love Him.

How God is the very reason to wake up and smyle…

How God is the very one who wound this universe in wisdom, love, and glory…

How many times He’s blessed me with the chance to share His name -His fame- His gospel! with those hopeless, as once was I.

How His mercy seems like madness, and yet

How I love Him who made it so…

How I long for clear directions…

How I hate how stupid I am…

How I take what I know’s expected…

How I fall short of Love’s demands.

How everyone goes “somewhere” and I…

Just stay…

right…

here.

*sigh*

 

“Be content…”  *echoes, in a whisper*

 

And I ask God to make it so…

-MAC <>< = )

 

 

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